My Sins
I needed a place to compile them. Compile them for real. These are the things I should've said the first time. Whether I forgot or withheld them is now meaningless; I never said them. So here they are. Maybe next time... I won't fail. The bulk of these consist of things I've done to Nicole. But, I hurt many people, not just her. I did a lot of evil things. So much so that I've separated them into months. I am actually crying while I compile this list. But it needed to be done. I have to tell everything. Even the parts I'd rather forget. Keep in mind, all this happened over the course of around a year. There are parts I'm bound to forget. October, 2017 This month was relatively peaceful, save for the end. A little background before I begin, this period (late 2017, early 2018) was one of the darkest of my life; the amount of bullying I received at school coupled with my failing grades drove me into an extreme depression. So, in my "infinite wisdom", I decided to fall in love with Nicole and make her fall in love with me. Not the best idea in hindsight seeing as I was really, really unstable. Anyway, it started out alright. By late October I began to lash out in some cases, hurting her at least a little. I don't recall too many instances of this in October. November, however... November, 2017 Yeah, I have a lot to write here. Now, by this time Nicole was feeling suicidal. I don't recall why exactly, but I'm fairly sure this instance wasn't my own doing. In any case, this was the time for her annual visit to family members to enjoy a vacation and some hunting. Now, keep in mind, I'm not a vegan. I'm not even a vegetarian, I don't know what came over me. But, I made her feel like a murderer for going out hunting with her family. If I recall correctly, once they had a buck, I asked her if her bloodlust was sated yet. And she was crying, begging me to stop. I didn't stop. It got to the point where she was alone in her car with a loaded gun. She asked me again to stop. I didn't stop. I drove her self-esteem into the ground and broke her heart repeatedly. I then apologized. For some reason, she forgave me. It's something I can't fathom to this day. Anyway, in my sick, twisted mind putting someone down "helped" me. I don't know why I did any of that to this day. My guess is I broke from the stress and vented out all my anger on her. She almost died that day because of me. I'm filled with regret and remorse every time I think about it. Truly, Nicole, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. November doesn't stop there, however. By late November I knew I was failing as a boyfriend. I asked her to break up once, I remember I was at the grocery store with my grandmother. I broke her heart that day. I regretted it, of course, and asked her to forgive me. Again, for some reason... she looked past it. That shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have been able to hurt her any more than I did, I should've learned my lesson from November and treated her better. But I didn't. So on to December. December, 2017 Yeah, December was pretty bad too. Even before Christmas break I had already made life a living hell for Nicole. The sheer amount of times I would lash out increased early in the month. I also started making her feel bad for her academic accomplishments. I'm not very smart and my grades were reflecting that, and my jealousy caused me to lash out at her. To this day I don't know what came over me. It's as if one second I was enraged for something I should be happy for her about, and the next I was pleading for forgiveness. She vented about me to her friends. You all surely remember how distraught she was. When I found out I was livid. I lashed out even further then. After this I 'made her' tell you guys that it was alright. I made her do it. I guess I couldn't accept that I wasn't a good person. I couldn't accept that it was my fault. I couldn't handle the truth. Once Christmas vacation started things got even worse. I practically forced her to play along with the fact everything was alright. I even bought her a game (Starbound) and played it with her a little. I guess this was to psyche myself into thinking everything would be okay. For a while I truly did. Then I left on Christmas vacation and the truth came crashing down. I realized I'm a horrible person. I realized that I was doing everything wrong. So I asked her yet again to break up with me. I asked her multiple times. Each time I broke her heart. Each time she cried. I distanced myself away from her and from the venkons. It is my belief that her suicidal tendencies of the next few months are directly linked to this, as well as the occurences of the following months. Now comes the part I hate the most. January. January, 2018 By January I knew I was failing and failing fast. I sent her a few gifts for her birthday, but other than that I didn't do any good this month. On the contrary. I failed to keep my vile, perverted vices in check. I asked to see her body. Many times. Thankfully she refused. I'm glad she did. There's no greater shame and embarrassment than exposing your body when you don't want to. I don't know why I did this, but... I did. I would guilt trip her into it. I would tell her that I was in pain and needed it. Thankfully, she still refused. Now I need to pull up a quote. "Being viewed as a sex object (not to people close to me)" This is a quote from her page "why I've been down". The fact I didn't realize this was me... well, it just proved my stupidity. And the fact that she needed to stress that it wasn't anyone close to her (me), means she feared what I would do if I found out. She feared that I would get mad. And that... well, that makes me cry to this day when I think about it. She was scared of me. She was scared of what I would do to myself and to her. Coupled with the fact I would get angry whenever she talked to other guys, and well, I basically made this month one of the worst of her life. And keep in mind it was her birthday. My negativity during this month was through the roof, too. Everything I said was doubting and hurtful. I imbued my words with venom, hurting her without even realizing it. Truly it was one of the worst months. February, 2018 February was just January but dialed up. Her first suicide attempts that I can remember where in February. I was the cause of each of them. You know, it's... she would tell me that the fact I blamed myself was stressing her out. I guess she didn't want me to feel down, even after all the atrocities I committed against her. By this time I committed to keeping my vices under control, and I didn't ask to see her body this month. Thankfully. March, 2018 Oh, March. Yes, March is tied with November and January as one of the worst months. Gabe came back this month, and Nicole seemed happy at that. I wasn't. Jealousy clouded my judgement and I simply could not be happy that he was back. For some reason I had formed an image in my mind that she would cheat on me with him. Even if she did, could I blame her? I wasn't someone she wanted to be with. But still, despite it all, she stayed with me. I believe this was when she overdosed. I stayed up until 5:00 AM with Xander, asking him (perhaps a bit too much) if she was alright. I admit it, I spammed him. I really did care. But, despite caring, I definitely didn't show it. It breaks my heart to now know that everything was my fault. The overdose was my fault. The attempted hanging was entirely my fault. Yes, my quarrels with Gabe drove her insane. She was already suicidal, and what I was doing was only furthering that. I was blinded by jealousy, because I knew she was fond of him. Then Gabe told me she was cheating on me with him. He showed me saved texts and screenshots to back it up. That drove me ballistic. Later, she told me it was just her going undercover to get some information out of him. Even if she was, I don't blame her. My actions were certainly deserving of it. After March I became suspicious of her. I thought she would cheat on me. Looking back it was entirely misplaced, but I was angry and stupid. I became more restricting of her, I clinged on to her for dear life. I realized the end was at hand. And so it was. April, 2018 Ah yes, April. The month of my second exile, as well as the month the payback for my vile deeds started. Nicole and I finally broke up, thankfully ending one of the worst periods of her life. This doesn't stop my sins, though. In April I went insane. Yeah, insane. I couldn't think. I actually asked them to ban me. I wanted out, but I didn't at the same time. Heartbreak and rage clouded my judgement. And so, I was banned one afternoon during therapy. I remember that well. A mini-altcest ensued in which I came back as "Welp. That was a mistake." (Yeah, you think?) or something like that. Mini-altcest didn't last long and I went to EJ for help. By this time I still talked to many venkons, Shy, EJ, and Terri included. This exile culminated in me downloading a VPN, making a new discord and wikia account, and pretending to be someone from the alt history community. I then infiltrated the venkon discord and... made an absolute fool out of myself. Yep, I acted really edgy and serious. I was banned, obviously. A few days later I left a message saying that I had changed. Now keep in mind this was weeks after I was banned. I didn't do anything to change. Nothing at all. But I was given a final chance.... unfortunately. Because now my atrocities weren't focused on Nicole. May was when it all leaked out and the world came crashing down on me. May, 2018 My last month as a venkon. I still remember it well. I was heartbroken (still had feelings for Nicole), alone, and the bullying I received at school was especially rough that month. My actions were finally exposed. Xander found out and called me out on them. This drove me insane. I actually played victim and cried about it. It all culminated in a suicide threat. I didn't lie, I was completely serious. But I knew I could never kill myself. I just couldn't. I told them I was going to kill myself at 12:00 AM. 12:00 AM arrived, I deleted discord, but I didn't do it. The same happened the next day. "At 12:00 AM I'm killing myself", I'd say, then ignore their pleading for me to stop. This wasn't just Nicole. This was everyone. Shy, Terri, Astro, DaewiHan, and even EJ. They all pleaded with me to stop. They all cared. And what did I do with this concern? I dragged them all under with me. This went on for days. Every day was a new suicide threat, every day was a new heart broken. Not only would I do that, but I would spam Nicole's old discord account and pretend I was still in a relationship with it. My "ghost", I called it. It was creepy and borderline psychotic, but I did it anyway. I remember being told she was extremely uncomfortable with what she saw. These two things went on for about a week. Until finally one day Nicole broke. She told her mother, who called me an abuser, and forbade contact. I was promptly banned. I completely agree with this decision. Who knows all the horrible things I would've done had she not banned me? And so begins my third and longest exile to date, and my current one. June, 2018 June was when I went with my school's overseas travel program to Ireland and Scotland. Before that, though, I had met with Ambrose through EJ's discord account. I was told to meditate and find peace within myself. I didn't do that then. I should've, but I didn't. The first few weeks of June were spent making discord alts and plaguing Nicole with them. Discord alts and wikia alts, too. She rightfully ignored them all. When I arrived in Dublin the first thing I did was contact her through google hangouts. I was blocked. I actually made dozens of gmail accounts just to speak with her, and each was blocked. By the second day I decided to leave her alone and enjoy the rest of my vacation. I left a few lonely wiki pages back then, mostly lamenting my loss of the venkons. She actually had an overseas trip to Germany too, so I didn't have too much contact during our two trips. When I came back, however, I started with the discord alts again. Enigma is the only one I can remember right now. Xander later told me those made her so angry she would throw her phone in rage. When she came back, at the end of June, I did it yet again. This one is noticeable because it was literally the day after she came back. I didn't even give her a day. Clearly she didn't want to see me, but in my selfishness I kept trying. July, 2018 July was a bittersweet month. I turned 15, finally, and left her alone for a little while. I say little because after my birthday altcest returned. And not mini-altcest as in April. No, this was a full-scale altcest larger than even the one back in August of 2016. Hundreds of alts invaded their personal space, even when they weren't online I would make alts just to be in chat. I knew I was hurting her. I begged God for forgiveness, but I just couldn't stop. I didn't stop. Until, by some miracle, she heard me out for a few seconds. I asked if she could give me a trial, a week, to prove myself. Miraculously it was granted. One week by myself, one week with zero contact, then I would be unbanned. As you can imagine, I didn't make it to a week. I contacted her through smiledog, an old wiki I used for communication back during the first exile. She unblocked me on discord, and for a few days things were... awkward, at best. I could tell she was uncomfortable with me around. Still, I was committed to letting her know I had changed. But, as always, I couldn't even do that. Something came up, something I'm not sure of to this day. She was down, suicidal. And for some reason, I decided to try consoling her. I was a fool. What I did was extremely creepy and obsessive, I guess a reflection of the minimal amount of feelings I still held for her. I asked her countless times to tell me what was wrong, despite her insisting that I couldn't help and that I should be quiet. It got to the point where I almost killed her due to stress. Yes, I almost caused her to die. Not only that, but I actually made yet another alt and demanded to be let back. As you can imagine, this didn't bode well for me. I was banned, and my exile extended. The following day I begged her for a retrial and received an ultimatum: one month with no contact. Each message I left would add a day. Well, I couldn't make it to a week. I left eighteen messages on her page, and eighteen days were added. I even called Ambrose in to talk to him, and he told me the same thing. No more alts. Each message adds a day. If I make another alt, it's a lifetime ban on Ambrose's orders. That was the end of alts. And, that was the end of contact I had with her. August, 2018 This was the month of the lonely wiki. The aforementioned chat with her and Ambrose happened at the beginning of August. After that I had no contact with her. Still, I left pages on the lonely wiki venting. I didn't intend for anyone to read them. Those pages were meant to clear my head of those thoughts by writing them down, so some of them were naturally problematic. I believe I called the venkons an army "centered on revenge" in one of them, and explicitly called myself "righteous". I would come to regret that. Still, this month was surprisingly calm. September, 2018 Ah yes, this month. Nope, my sin counter isn't done yet. It's only the 8th and I've already got a fair bit to say. I waited out my full exile, which ended on the 6th. As opposed to waiting to hear from them, as I should've, I immediately left a message on Nicole's smiledog page asking to be unbanned. Yeah, right. As if all would be forgiven. I was put under trial in a private discord chat consisting of me, WC, DaewiHan, and Xander. Not exactly favorable, but still. I take the blame for having fucked up here. I was tired, and I did forget some things, but I was hesitant to admit some of the things written herein. I was naturally rejected. I failed that trial. I wasn't too happy about that, so I played victim. I complained that it was unfair. I still think the judges were biased, but how could they not be? I had hurt them too. So, here I am. The present. I don't know what's going to happen now. I do know, however, that if I'm granted a retrial these things will be said at the trial. I compiled this page for that reason. This page is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Mea Culpa Looking back at these twelve months... I've fucked up. I've fucked up big time. I'll repeat again and again: I screwed the pooch. I'm remorseful for what I've done. It was my fault, and nothing can excuse my behavior. Truthfully I don't know what the hell I'm doing spamming the inbox of a girl I hurt this much. It's something I can't explain. Something I've felt within me since altcest one, I suppose. I feel that I belong there. I know many disagree. I do cry tears of remorse when I think back to this, and I'm not afraid to admit that. But I have worked tirelessly on myself to change my way of life. I've made friends, picked up good habits, and thrown away bad ones. I work out to help with self-esteem and go out on walks to calm down when the going gets bad. I even started a massively successful club at my school with over one hundred members. My days now are nothing like they were back then. Still, whenever anything gets me down, it's this. My sins. So, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I know I hurt you all. I know I caused you all anguish and suffering. But I've worked on these vices, these demons, and I promise you they won't be repeated. They can't be repeated. -BlackSmithy Category:WIP